I Don't Understand Cats

I'm currently cat-sitting for one of the besties, and I've realized that cats confuse me. I've always been a dog person, but when we lived in Indiana and Alabama we always had an outdoor cat of some sort, so I always thought I liked cats too. I still like them, but I don't think I want one of my own.

From what I can tell, living with a cat is a constant wild-west showdown - "This apartment ain't big enough for the two of us!" Cats are such small animals, but they take up more space than I ever imagined. First they climb on all of your furniture, then your counters and kitchen appliances. From there they crawl into every window, insisting that your blinds and curtains are hindering their never-ending quest to rub their butts on every inch of space you own. Within an hour, that cat will be sticking its entire head into your water glass, since nothing you have is actually yours anymore.

I wish I knew how to train a cat. I know that people say it's impossible, but I find that hard to believe. They're not dumb animals by any means. Every time I call one a "shithead," they give me a look that can only be saying "you ain't seen nothin' yet."

After taking care of cats for a couple weeks now, I've been left with questions that I'm not sure anyone knows the answers to:

• When do cats sleep?  Obviously they don't sleep while I'm sleeping, because that's when they like to hurdle over my bed, landing effortlessly onto my face.
  
  


• Why do cats think they're allowed to be in the bathroom?  I'm not sure about you guys, but I tend to use the restroom and shower alone. Cats don't seem to like this. If you're not quick enough to lock them out, they'll climb into the shower with you (I thought they didn't like water??!) or rub all over your feet while you're doing your business. I don't party in your litter-box. Get out of my bathroom.
  
  


• Why do cats poop so much?  I always thought there must be a body-size to poop-size ratio in the animal world. Apparently I was wrong.
  
  


• How do they make such a mess?  I work during the day, and the first day that I left each cat alone I made the mistake of leaving the bathroom door open. The first time resulted in every ponytail-holder I own being distributed throughout my apartment. The second ended with half of my necklaces floating in my toilet.
  
  


• Why do they want you to pet them only when you're obviously busy?  If I'm watching tv or a movie, I think it would be great if I could snuggle up with a fluffy cat in my lap. When it's 6:30 in the morning, I'm running late for work, can't find my keys, and need to make myself a lunch, that is NOT when I want you sitting on top of my feet.
  
  

If you know the answers to any of these queries, feel free to clue me in. Maybe that'll help the next week of kitty duty go a little more smoothly.